Hi! Passing ignoramus here, who's interested in and (mildly) affected by this issue.
First of all, thank you for taking time out of your day to think about this. I really appreciate that you are.
I'm in a standard HC Sauceror run. Here's what I see (with boldface added by me). As an ignoramus, I don't understand what the relevance of STICKER3 slot vs the WEAPON slot is, but in an ideal world I'd like Maximiser to equip one of the spell damage weapons, and the numbers for them are higher than being unarmed. Heck, I'd even be happy with it equipping one of the melee weapons so I could stab things more effectively if I had to, and I'm not clear why they're rated equal to being unarmed. Deciding to wield the turtle totem of all things, then straight away taking off seems (again, to me - an ignoramus) to be an odd choice.