Interesting. This works more or less the way I've always wanted it to:
int [item, int] test;
test [$item[banana], 1] = 5;
test [$item[astral hot dog], 2] = 4;
test [$item[elephant stinger], 3] = 3;
test [$item[collapsible baton], 4] = 2;
test [$item[doc's miracle cure], 5] = 1;
sort test by...